Test that keep on repeating

Assalammualaikum everyone!

I don't really know myself I think. Last night, someone made me realize that my problems always keep on repeating. And when I heard that, I started to think. Why I always have this never ending test (problems) that keep on repeating, what is the cause of this and how can I stop this. People never can understand you until they faced is by their own. Honestly, I've been sitting in this world of never ending test which keep on repeating since I was in high school. Hmm, I don't make stories and I don't tell people lie. If I said so, people won't believe me. I never can stop blaming myself for all those problems that keep on repeating. If only I have power, I could just terminate all those bad memories and there will not be a repeating problems. If only I knew how to overcome this, I could started doing it since high school.

But why is it still happening till now?

Because I don't have power and I don't know what is the way, and which is the way to overcome this repeating problems.

Those repeating problems are related to;

• FRIENDS
• FAMILY
• TEACHERS
• PARTNER

Whenever and whoever I'm with, I will always have problems with them. Sometimes it's my fault, sometimes it's their fault. But the worst was my mind. I always and always OVERTHINKING. 

That's what they told me. 

I always OVERTHINKING.

Can I know how to stop being an overthinking girl?

Can anyone help me to overcome this?

How can I stop all those problems?

If I couldn't stop this problems from repeating, is there anyone that are still supporting me?

Is there anyone that will be there when I'm at my worst?

What if I never can stop it?

What if this is my real character?

I don't really know myself. I am too afraid of losing people that I loved again. I know, my attitude, my problems, keep on pushing others away. My past was even worst. I hate my past and I don't want to let myself be in those place again. 

I'm so shocked to hear that people that I loved, tired of hearing my repeating problems. IF ONLY I KNEW HOW TO END IT (the repeating problems), I would probably END IT NOW. 

I just don't know how. I lose hope on myself. I don't know who I am. Based on what they said, I can conclude that I am not a good person, a person that never can have happiness in life and always have problems with whoever I'm with. I am a problem maker. I am the worst human being. I am the most negative person that they ever met. I always tell people that I am a bad person. Never ever feel that I can be a good person. 

Maybe Allah let me alive in this dunya to help others, to make others happy. I don't deserved happiness in this dunya. I never deserved. Will forever never deserved happiness.

I would sacrifice a lot of things to please people, to make people stay with me, to make people happy staying besides me, but that doesn't ensure their presence during my worst. 

At the end, I always be the saddest person indeed.

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"How to determine what are the reason behind those repeating test (problems) that Allah gave to me?"

Whoever facing a problem, there's a good for them because everytime they being patience (sabr) in facing their test, Allah lift their rank and it also can be that Allah forgive all their sins.

In one of the Hadith stated that; the greatest of these is that which is revealed to the prophets, because they are the noblest of creatures, the greater the test. Every human was simplified to him in accordance with what was destined to him

May Allah grant us sabr in whatever test that He gave.

Wassalam.